


Dirt Fic

by milaza



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 05:34:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16382369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milaza/pseuds/milaza
Summary: Suzaku Akai eats dirt.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> birthday gift for kameron (@flrlsppe)

genbu stares at his partner in disgust. 

suzaku's acting normal, the same as ever. yet there's something... strange. something kind of gross. maybe it's the dirty dust that's stained across his cheeks, making it look like he hasn't washed his face in weeks. maybe it's the fact that his clothes, his seat, everything around him, is covered with crusted clay. or maybe it's the fact that the white plastic spoon he's holding for lunch to come-- is filled with dirt.

the dirt in the spoon is soft and springy, the type of high quality soil that can only be bought in garden centres with express permission. _how did suzaku even get this?_ , genbu wonders. suzaku blinks, inspecting genbu's strange look. 'want some?' he offers, holding out the spoon towards the other.

genbu squints. 'no suzaku, i'm not going to fucking eat dirt.'

'suit yourself,' suzaku says and he eats the dirt in a mouthful before digging the utensil into a garden pot for some more. 'its real tasty,' he mumbles through the bites. 

'don't speak while you're eating,' genbu instructs. he's fairly sure that nyako-- that _cat_ is eating the dirt too, also straight out of the flowerpot. athough it wasn't strange for suzaku and nyako to share bowls, he was hoping that they would at least not share bowls when it came to eating something like... dirt. that was unhygenic in more ways than one. it was a wonder how suzaku was always in tip top health despite all the... cat germs.

suzaku yawns, apparently having eaten all he can (wasn't much-- just a few tablespoons). suddenly his eyes pop open, noticing the black haired boy still giving him a look of revulsion. he laughs with a knowing grin. 'come on, genbu, i know you wanna try it. this dirt's hella high quality, bro,' he says, pointing at a nearby bag of soil which is very clearly marked _'property of minori watanabe-- don't touch unless you want to be sent into the depths of heck'._

'no, i don't,' genbu repeats. 'besides that, don't you think there's a problem in idols eating dirt? we're a boyband, you know?'

'boyband, _shmoyband_! even yumi aiba eats dirt, so don't go dissin' our dirt eatin' ways!' suzaku says fiercely. 'there ain't no one around, genbu, you can try all the dirt you want!'

'yeah, i don't want to try _any_ ,' he says in a flat tone. 'the hell you're so insistent for, anyway!?'

suzaku slams his hands down on the table, breaking the small plastic spoon at the same time. 'cos we're friends! cos we're _bros_! cos we're shinsoku ikkon!'

'the frick does that mean.'

'true friends eat dirt together, damn it!' suzaku yells, punching his hand at the sky. 'haven't you ever watched winne the pooh!?' 

'i'm pretty damn sure no one in winnie the pooh ever ate dirt!'

'yeah, but pooh ate honey and shared it with his mates, and that's like, an analogy for dirt here--'

'since when did you even know what an analogy is!?' this time, genbu shouts it in shock. 

suzaku smirks with a proud smile. 'studied up with maitaru-sensei, now that's a real tough guy who'd share a meal with me!' there wasn't even any time for genbu to react. 'and of course, that meal is dirt!' he nods his head. 'dirt is the food of the people! we are born from this earth, this beautiful, gorgeous, _dazzling_ round earth, and we must eat the soil that the earth has given us!'

'damn it, you don't believe in flat earth anymore either!?' genbu was beginning to realize that the power of sem's teaching was truly amazing. god bless big bro yamashit. 'fine!' he exclaims. 'that reasoning was too frickin' great, the hell!? i'm proud of you! don't tell me you studied with sem just so you could convince me to eat dirt!'

'ha, you won't regret it!' suzaku then notices that the spoon is broken-- snapped, into several unusable pieces. he takes a quick glace towards the flowerpot, then to nyako, and, with a nod towards the feline, turns to genbu who is looking very much dead. 'oi, open your mouth,' suzaku says. 'i'll... feed it to ya.'

genbu is just about to mutter 'what the diddly damn do heck' when a handful of dirt is shoved into his mouth. 

he can taste it very clearly. it's cold and dry and definitely not whatever suzaku was eating before. the brittle clay sticks to the roof of his mouth and his tongue feels ridiculously dehydrated, like the feeling you get after eating thirty saltine crackers in a row. it's uncomfortable to say the least, and definitely more so with half of suzaku's fingers forced inside his mouth. 'it's... it's... _gross_ , godamnit!' genbu tries to call, but is very evidentialy unable to by the amount of dirt.

suzaku pulls his hand out-- yeah, sharing cat drool is one thing but it's even weirder to have the saliva of your best friend all over your fingers. genbu instantly spits out the dirt-- not all of it, just what can be coughed out, and swallows the rest with a look of nausea in his eyes. the taste is still stuck to his throat, and he's on the verge of wheezing without water.

'next... time. just. let me find another spoon instead,' he says surly. 'instead of stickin' yourself down my throat.'

'sorry, bro,' suzaku replies simply, though it's clear in the upwards turn of his lips that he's amused at the entire scenario.

'...it would've tasted foul either way, though. i can't see _how_ big bro rui would've stood to eat this shit with you.'

'hey, he loved it!' suzaku says. 'he even brought his own dirt, yanno? sorta looked like crushed oreos, but who am i to judge?'

'suzaku, they _were_ crushed oreos.'

'...i'm never studyin' or trustin' adults again.'

two minutes later, minori came and saw that genbu basically spat dirt onto his bag of dirt so he killed both of the shinsoku ikkon members and gave nyako to pierre as a gift.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> birthday gift for emely. i didn't proofread this at all and asselin is out of character.

asselin bb ii was no bad chef. he had won awards and prizes, dozens of them, but it was safe to say that none of those sparkling medals and certificates were won for cooking dirt. 

yet asselin was a master at cooking the delicate matter, though he never quite had the chance to display his skill (soichiro had explicitly forbidden him to bring soil into the kitchen, while kamiya had been a bit kinder, offering him some years-old dirt from mexico to cook with at home).

"...indeed. kamiya said that i should begin to give my food to the customers that would really want it. and i heard from maita..." he said, "...you're a fan of dirt, aren't you?"

suzaku nodded in affirmation.

"the dirt that watanabe owns. it's good quality, i can see. for he digs up the soil on his own, choosing not to trust in the others who sell dirt laced with poisons and acid."

"huh, really? i could tell there was somethin' different about it, but..."

"yes! fwahaha, i understand, now!" asselin laughed. "watanabe must go to *that mountain* to seek his prize...!"

"that mountain!" suzaku gasped. "you can't mean...!" racing through his head were thoughts of mt doom and mt death, places where someone like asselin would surely travel on a daily basis.

"you are thinking the same as i, no!?" asselin pointed fiercely behind suzaku. "that mountain, right there, is the source of my key ingredient!"

"that's barely even a hill."

"n-nevertheless!" asselin spluttered. "akai, you must fetch the dirt watanabe uses for me, so that i am able to cook us a feast!"

suzaku nodded, aware of the large task ahead of him. there was no way he wouldn't be able to dig up the dirt-- not with his trusty partner nyako by his side. "i'm off, then," he said, waving away into the sunset. "asselin, when i come back, promise me... that you'll cook up a burning dish."

asselin held a thumbs up. "i swear on satan's life!"

ten minutes later, suzaku returned with a sack full of freshly dug dirt in his arms. 

"delectable!" asselin proclaimed, smelling the contents of the bag. "come in now, then," he said, motioning suzaku to enter kamiya's house. "you'll find that it is quite comfortable in my lair."

"awesome decorations," suzaku said, looking at the dozens of worldly artefacts scattered around the room.

"yes, yes, well... my companion does have some varied interests."

"satan's into collecting these?"

"n-no... i meant kamiya."

"oh, i see."

"besides that!" asselin quipped, leading suzaku into the kitchen. "how would you like your dirt, if there is any preference? fried, poached, roasted, there's nothing i can't do."

suzaku tilted his head. "i dunno... i've only ever eaten it raw."

"haha, then you will experience something new tonight! shall i decide on the matters of the cooking method myself, then?"

"i'll leave it to you, asselin!"

night was falling down.

"i'm home," called a familiar voice. "oh, asselin, do you have a guest over?"

"'s just me!" suzaku replied heartily.

"akai-kun, i see!" kamiya's head popped into the dining room. "will you be joining us for dinner tonight?"

"would that be okay?" he piped in reply.

kamiya smiled. "of course, of course," he took a whiff of the ashy aroma that was seeping through the kitchen. "my, that smells quite delicious! what's asselin cooking, i wonder...?"

as soon as he asked, asselin himself walked into the dining room, with one elegant plate in each hand-- evidently the source of the scent kamiya had noticed. they were both rounded platters with neatly formed brown cubes placed upon them; to any other diner, they would've appeared to be a chocolate brownie, or perhaps a coco infused cake. but both kamiya and suzaku knew better: the rich oak cubes were both simply dirt.

"that looks burnin'!" suzaku yelled upon seeing the dish. his mouth was practically watering-- indeed, asselin's masterful presentation made the 10 minute tramp to the dirt hill worth it. 

"fear not, suzaku," asselin laughed. "i didn't burn your meal at all. you might find that the edges are a bit crispy, though i predict you'd like some crunch in your lunch."

the fiery boy laughed. "well, i meant burnin' as in burnin' cool, but i sure could do with a lil' crunch right now! thanks for the food, dude!"

"no worries, none at all!" asselin swiftly set down a plate before suzaku. "kamiya, i see you've returned as well! i have prepared a plate for you, do not worry. you shall find this dirt dish to be quite to your tastes!"

"oh my, that smells delicious!" kamiya gasped. "i can hear soichiro saying "don't you fuckers know what hygiene is" already."

"and i can hear genbu say "suzaku i'm going to kill you if you keep eating dirt around me"!"

"do not worry," asselin bellowed with the heartiest grin. "for you can eat all the dirt you desire around _me_!"

"thanks, asselin, you're awesome!" suzaku quickly dug his spoon into the dinner asselin had made for him. it had the texture of a soft crumbly cake-- indeed, the dirt he had gathered at the mountain was truly of good quality. as he chewed on the dirt, he thought about how well minori's flowers must grow in the soft and delicate soil. suzaku wondered if he could perhaps introduce this new treat to his friends in the 315 sweet lovers club, although soichiro would never allow it, so he would have to pass the dirt around as, well, a dirty little secret.

then there was a crunch. suzaku looked down at his plate, and realized that sprinkled inside the dirt was... "uh, what are these."

"ufufu," asselin proudly chuckled. " _these_ , akai, are delectable miniature daemons foraged from the depths lucifer's boulevard solely to be digested."

"huh? what're you sayin' asselin?"

"...cicadas. they're cicadas imported from australia."

"oh, i see," followed by "WHAT THE FUKKKKK" and a "bugs!? that's the shit that nyako's supposed to be eating!" concluded with an annoyed hiss all came from suzaku's side of the table.

"s-such a reaction..." asselin looked a little bit weathered by suzaku's distaste. "i'm sorry... i heard from kurono that you always shared the same meals as your cat, anyway..."

suzaku blinked. _well, it's not like asselin has it wrong_ , he thought. _it's just that..._ "bugs..."

"did you like the taste?" kamiya asked. 

"i can't say i di'in't," suzaku replied after a few seconds of thought. sure, the bug thing had grossed him out, but before finding that out, they were actually pretty tasty. the clean crunch had surprised him, but otherwise it felt like eating doritos (but more unique).

kamiya smiled. "then, as your friend might say, 'it doesn't matter if it's a black cat or a white cat, so long as it catches the mouse.'"

"nyako's a beige-y cat, ain't she?"

"it means that what type of food it is doesn't matter, as long as it captures what's most important: taste and a loving care."

"it's got the taste alright," suzaku said, now positive that his minibeast meal was good. "but whadya mean by 'loving care'...?"

"asselin puts in no less than 100% effort when he cooks. tonight's no exception."

"i see... it's a sensation that even i can identify." suzaku looked at kamiya's plate, which had been left mostly untouched save for a part lopped off of a corner. he could tell that the cubes were handcrafted with care: they weren't perfect squares, but had true and humane errors that gave them a little charm and proof of full effort. in his mouth, the interlocking tastes of the bugs and the dirt merged perfectly, harmoniously, like altessimo played in a grand theater.

and just like the feeling you get when you listen to altessimo, suzaku soared.

from his eyes, a tear.

suzaku wasn't the type to think too hard about anything. everyone knew that it only took a deep question or two to fizzle out his head. his last two brain cells were constantly wary for the day he'd wear them out. but now, he wasn't thinking. it wasn't a feeling that could be described by words, anyway.

remembering what kamiya said, suzaku now saw asselin's craft in a new light. he had gained appreciation and enlightenment for the art known as 'cooking'. 

suzaku sniffled as his spoon repeatedly poked between the dirt cube and his mouth. yeah, genbu was good at cooking, and he had visited a hundred restaurants in his time. but nothing really matched up to asselin's sheer creativity and skill. soft, subtly sweet, and accompanied by the nutty crunch of the cicadas, it was a match make in heaven.

"it goes even better with this jasmine tea," kamiya suggested, placing a teacup before suzaku. he filled it half way before taking another bite of his own dirt dish. "this is delicious, asselin. you've truly outdone yourself."

asselin lit up, a proud smile plastered upon his face. "i thank thee, kamiya, for you allowed me to use your wares to create this delight!" 

kamiya chuckled. “no need for such formality, asselin. you’ve paid all the thanks you need in this food.”

“ya should try it with this tea, too!” suzaku said, lifting his own cup to meet asselin’s eye. “it’s seriously tasty!”

asselin shook his head. “alas, i had been dispelled of resources and was unable to mould a plate for myself; though i shall certainly try the tea with another dish that we can all devour jointly.”

“not to worry, asselin,” kamiya responded. “i can share you mine. the chef must try his own dish, after all.” he poured another cup of tea, and scooped up a heartful portion of dirt, waving the spoon in front of asselin. “care for a bite?”

“ah…” asselin nodded quietly, and grabbed the spoon to taste the dish. he gracefully took a mouthful before trying the accompanying drink. the jasmine tea that kamiya had selected went well with the lightly sweet dirt, the flavors exquisitely chosen. his eyes gleamed. “with this tea, it truly does taste as though heaven had reached the earth through a manner of drink!”

kamiya smiled and took his own bite of dirt. “i’m glad you enjoyed it. that tea was specially imported from china.”

“as expected of you, kamiya!”

suzaku had finished his plate, and was even willing to run back to the mountain to get some more. to let the whole world know-- why, he might even had told genbu about it next. 

mother nature’s curry and cake, dirt was the ground and the source of life and nutrients in the world. for nothing could live without it, for nothing could grow without it. it bonded people together-- there was one earth, after all, and every person of the world had set foot on its grass, so it was fair that it could be enjoyed through feast as well.

though disrespected in the culinary world, one chef in japan knew how to cook it perfectly.

asselin may not have won any awards for his dirty dishes, but he was a chef, not a dishwasher.


End file.
